


Unwrapped

by HYPERFocused



Category: Anthropomorfic, Food Network RPF, TV Commercials
Genre: Bad Puns, Commercials, Crack, Crack Crossover, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, So Wrong It's Right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-24
Updated: 2007-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:40:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1636958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HYPERFocused/pseuds/HYPERFocused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what your favorite advertising characters are doing when they're not trying to sell you stuff. Yes, I'm very ashamed that my mind went there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unwrapped

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marginaliana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/gifts).



> There's a hint of one of your other requests in here as well. Cast of characters listed at the end. I didn't want to spoil the ~~horror~~ surprise.

 

 

It only happened once a year, the wildest get-together of mascots and trademarks anywhere. An orgy to end all orgies. They called it Product Placement, and before now, no human has been allowed to learn its secrets, or in fact, to know of its existence.There's only one day on which it could occur, November 23rd. Buy Nothing Day, a date supposedly created by the staff at _Adbusters_ Magazine, as a diatribe against consumerism, the proliferation of advertisements, and their effect on the well-being of people everywhere.

In reality, it was the staff at _Adfuckers_ Magazine, concerned with the well-being of the characters themselves who instigated Buy Nothing Day, allowing them time to see to their own basest needs, and desires. Only one human has been deemed worthy to observe this year's festivities: Marc Summers. Some said that this was a bad idea, that he would spill these secrets to anyone who would double dare him. That may be true, but sometimes a story wanted -- _needed_ \-- to be told.

"Aflac! Aflac! A-- Fluck it." The small and angry duck waddled off when no one responded favorably to his advances. He was used to being ignored, but he didn't have to like it. Even the Toilet Duck flushed at his approach, and swam away in circles, as if Aflac was the one who stank. Finally, the Vlasic stork waved him over with one gangly wing. It figured. Nobody wanted to see the stork at one of these parties.

Speedy Alka-Seltzer wasn't all that well liked either, with the way he lived up to his name, plopping down on his partners, and quickly fizzing out. It was a relief to see him go.

Arby's Oven Mitt and the Hamburger Helper Hand were getting together for a little action of their own, Hand sliding into Mitt's snug entrance. "You feel so wonderful, the way you surround and protect me."

"I'll always be there for you, baby. I never wanna see you get burned." 

'You're always so cheerful," the Zoloft doodle sighed, attempting to put on a smile for her bright yellow lover. "I wish I could be like that. Maybe if I could believe that somebody cared about me, that my life truly mattered..."

Wal-Mart Happy Face looked puzzled. "Why wouldn't I be happy? Prices are falling, and my world domination is all but assured."

"I wouldn't count on that," Ronald McDonald said, listening in, before his big red grin stretched around the enormous meatstick of love, which he swallowed down much like his corporation had done to the American Beef Industry.

"Oh, Ronald, eat me!. I'm what's for dinner," Beef groaned out.

"Neither would I," Starbucks said, wrapping itself around a Bob's Big Boy, and spawning a dozen jittery clones.

"Oh, you're so Grande! Or do I mean Vente? I don't know. I just know I'm addicted! I can't get enough of you."

"Well, you're quite the big boy yourself, aren't you? And so filling!"

Butler Jeeves may have looked prim and proper, but he was a proper slut in the bedroom. You could ask him anything, and he'd do it. He'd keep on going like an engine with a google of repetitions in him, searching for just the right spot to make you yell out "Yahoo!".

Over in the breakfast nook, Mrs Butterworth had spread herself over the Pillsbury Doughboy, who'd risen to the occasion like the pro he was, as Aunt Jemima licked where her sticky thighs met the Doughboy's. Hungry Jack took a taste of Poppin' Fresh's sticky buns as well.

"Put some lovin in _my_ oven, why don'tcha?" The yeasty character invited, putting Bread's "Baby I'ma Want You" on the stereo to heighten the romantic mood.

Frank Bartles and Ed Jaymes looked on from their lawn chairs, toasting the festivities with wine coolers. They were ornery old coots, had been together forever, but they rarely indulged in the help of Viagra or Cialis.

"It just don't seem right, does it Ed? Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to let things happen naturally"

"Okay, you're old fashioned." Ed raised his bottle. "Though it might be the alcohol."

Duke, and Spuds McKenzie were doing it doggie style, while the Quilted Northern puppy watched and learned, bringing them some toilet paper after, to clean up. If truth be told, Duke was rather flatulent from all the beans, but Spuds wasn't all that sober, so it didn't much matter.

The whole Hostess line was having a circle jerk, trying to see who would spill their filling first. "Give a hoot! Don't pollute!" Woodsy Owl complained, wiping Twinkie the Kid's cream off of his feathers. Little Twinkie was growing up into a fresh. delicious treat, yellow and spongy firm. Soon he'd just be a twink. At least he was legal. In fact, Twinkie had been coming to these events for as long as Woodsy could remember. So he only looked young. He was just remarkably well preserved.

Chatting up a juicy Island native, the Jolly Green Giant took out his Little Sprout. He got a nice Hawaiian punch for his troubles, and left, dejected. After an incident with a microwave, he was found in a vegetative state.

Snap Winchester, his brother Crackle, and their dad, Pop were having a bit of adult family fun. They'd been chasing after Booberry's ghosts, until he reminded them they were just marshmallow bits. Soon, the Keebler elves joined in as well.

Tony the Tiger growled as Chester Cheetah palmed his furry, striped dick, leaving dusty orange prints. "You're G-g-g-r-r-eat!" he enthused when he came.

"You two look hot!" The Trix Rabbit said, pinching each of the Campbell Soup Kids' cheeks. They looked up, red cheeked and ran away.

"What's wrong? Trix are for kids!" The lecherous leporidae laughed. He was soon dragged away by Ajax detergent's White Knight. "We don't want your kind in here, you crazy pedophile."

Out in the stables, the Budweiser Clydesdales whinnied as they fucked, while Joe Camel lit a cigarette, and watched eagerly. Elmer and Elsie mooed appreciatively as Elmer filled her with his milky man-glue.

Herb and the Burger King were kissing out by the grill. Flame broiled passion flared up hot and beefy between their buns. 

Morris usually went to the cathouse. He was too finicky to join in most of the fun, but he did have an eye on one of his competitors, a cat who sang a lilting rendition of Meow Meow Meow Meow, Meow, meow meow meow". 

Cap'n Crunch and Colonel Sanders had a finger licking good time doubleteaming the Doublemint twins, while Mr Whipple squeezed his own Charmin, then used it to clean up. And Chef Boyardee was cooking as well, with the deceptively raunchy Betty Crocker.

There was one irritating character no one wanted, and truthfully, he didn't want them either, as much as he wanted to get laid.Maybe it was because he was guaranteed to come in thirty minutes or less, while his would be lover, Heinz Ketchup liked the anticipation of a slow buildup. He wasn't as fast as Speedy, but everyone knew to avoid the 'Noid'.

As the orgy wound down, Marc slipped away quietly, into the arms of his lover. That was the only person he told about what he had seen."It was _incredible,_ Marc told him. "Even cooler than the cut rock candy slicer, or the Hostess Cupcake filling machine. I wish you could have been there."

"Well, why don't we re-enact some of it for science's sake?"

"Okay, like what?" Marc wondered.

"You can be Tootsie Pop, and I'll see how many licks it takes to get to your center."

"Oh, but Tootsie wasn't there!"

"That's all right. It still sounds like Good Eats to me."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Marc Summers  
> The Aflac duck  
> Toilet Duck  
> Vlasic stork  
> Speedy Alka-Seltzer  
> Arby's Oven Mitt  
> Hamburger Helper hand  
> 'Zoloft doodle  
> Wal-Mart Happy Face  
> Ronald McDonald  
> American Beef Industry.  
> Starbucks  
> Bob's Big Boy,  
> Butler Jeeves  
> Google  
> Yahoo!  
> Mrs Butterworth  
> Pillsbury Doughboy,  
> Aunt Jemima  
> Hungry Jack  
> Poppin' Fresh  
> Frank Bartles and Ed Jaymes  
> Duke,  
> Spuds McKenzie  
> Quilted Northern Puppy  
> The whole Hostess line  
> Woodsy Owl  
> Twinkie the Kid  
> Jolly Green Giant  
> Little Sprout.  
> Hawaiian punch  
> Snap Winchester,  
> his brother Crackle,  
> and their dad, Pop  
> Booberry  
> the Keebler elves  
> Tony the Tiger  
> Chester Cheetah  
> The Trix Rabbit  
> Campbell Soup Kids'  
> Ajax detergent's White Knight.  
> the Budweiser Clydesdales  
> Joe Camel  
> Elmer and Elsie  
> Herb and the Burger King  
> Morris  
> Meow Mix cat  
> Cap'n Crunch  
> Colonel Sanders  
> the Doublemint twins,  
> Mr Whipple  
> Chef Boyardee  
> Betty Crocker.  
> Heinz Ketchup  
> ' The Noid'.  
> Alton Brown


End file.
